I Never
by Shou Rei
Summary: Listen to the officers of the three kingdoms talk about things that they would never do, things that they want to do but never could, things they would never expect other officers would do, and of course…why not? And yes, I never is a drinking game, but h


**I Never**

**Author's note: **Hello everyone, this is my first time writing a Dynasty Warriors fic. Please spear me…

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 'em, just borrowing them from Koei, and absolutely not mine!

**Summary: **Listen to the officers of the three kingdoms talk about things that they would never do, things that they want to do but never could, things they would never expect other officers would do, and of course…why not? And yes, I never is a drinking game, but here, it wont be. So enjoy!

Chapter 1: Zhang He 

**Shou Rei:** Once in the land of the Rising Sun…

**Sima Yi:** Stop that you idiot! We're talking about China here, and **NOT JAPAN!**

**Shou Rei:** Woops, my mistake…

**Sima Yi:** Imbecile! Do it again! Do it **Right!**

**Shou Rei:** Okay, okay, geez…hot head…

**Sima Yi: **Did you say something?

**Shou Rei: **Nothing, nothing at all your meanness…

**Zhang He: **Will the two of you stop fighting? What you're doing is utter ugliness. Let us make the world beaut—(to be said in high pitched voice)

Sima Yi: Shut up! 

**Zhang He: **…

**Xiahou Dun:** Okay take two!

**Shou Rei:** Once the land of the Red Dragon, China, was divided into three, between Shu, Wu, and Wei. Most of their time was spent fighting and proving themselves worthy on the battlefield. But during their free time, well that was a different story.

Kingdom of Wei 

Shou Rei: It was a fine sunny day at the kingdom of Wei. They were still quite exhausted from their fight against Wu and Shu at Chi Bi. So to pass the time and have some fun, Cao Cao arranged an open forum discussion for him and his officers to participate.

At Wei's Council… 

Cao Cao: So is everyone present?

Sima Yi: What's the point in doing this?

Cao Cao: Don't you want to have a nice friendly discussion with us?

Sima Yi: Do I really have to answer that or are you to stupid enough to think that I'd say yes?

Cao Cao: Bah! You're no fun, so I order you to stay!

Sima Yi: Things like this is what makes people as dumb as fatso over there.

Xu Zhu: Hey! I'm not that dumb!

Sima Yi: Oh yeah, what do you call this? points at Zhang He's weapon

Xu Zhu: A fork…?

Sima Yi: See, you're dumb, its called claws.

Xu Zhu: Huh?

Sima Yi: Oh never mind.

Cao Cao: Okay, so before Sima Yi insults every living creature in this room as well as the inanimate object here, lets open an "I never" topic. Zhang Liao?

Zhang He: Oh I love this game!

Zhang Liao: What me? Well, what is there to talk about…? Hmmm…lets see. Oh I got it, I never thought that Zhang He could ever be straight.

Zhang He: What? I am straight!

Sima Yi: Yeah right, when pigs start flying, that's when I believe that you're straight.

Zhang He: tosses Xu Zhu out the window There, a pig just flew.

Xu Zhu: is falling Ahhhhhhh!

Sima Yi: He doesn't count.

Xu Zhu: still falling AHHHHH! Someone! Help!

Zhang He: I'm not gay!

Everyone except Zhang He is laughing

Zhang He: This is not funny!

Cao Pi: Oh yes it is!

Zhen Ji: Now Cao Pi, stop that, its not nice to laugh at a gay person. HAHAHAHA!

Zhang He: OHHHH Zhang Liao, I will kill you!

Xiahou Yuan: With what? Hugs and kisses?

Sima Yi: is trying think of a strategy as to stop himself from laughing any harder Oh Zhang He, you'll win every battle and dominate the land through laughter if you ever tell them that you're not gay!

Cao Cao: I'm gay

everyone eyes Cao Cao in disgust

Cao Cao: What? Sima Yi said if Zhang He did it, he could conquer the land and defeat the unbeatable, so why cant I?

Cao Ren: Because that's disgusting.

Pang De: it only applies for Zhang He.

Zhang He begins to cry

Xiahou Dun: Awww, does the little gay need a hanky?

Zhang He glares at Dun and throws a vase at him

Cao Cao: My vase!

Zhang He throws the imperial seal

Cao Cao: My imperial seal! thinks for a moment Wait I don't have an imperial seal…OHHHH the imperial seal is mine! I alone will rule the world!

everyone eyes Cao Cao again

Cao Cao: What I meant was, we will all rule China.

Zhang He: Lame…

Cao Cao: Shut up gay!

Zhang He: I hate this game! Hmph! I'm leaving!

Sima Yi: Don't go away mad, just go away!

Shou Rei: And as Zhang He left, everyone kept on laughing about Zhang Liao's opened topic. And that's the en—

Sima Yi: Wait a minute!

Shou Rei: How rude, I was closing the first chapter.

Sima Yi: What happened to Xu Zhu?

Cao Cao: Yes, what did happen to that huge chunk of lard?

Shou Rei: Well as for Xu Zhu…well…er…he is…um…

Xu Zhu: AHHHHH! I'm still falling! Help me!

Shou Rei, Sima Yi, and Cao Cao: …cricket…Well tune in for the next assembly!

A/N: So how was it? I hope it was okay. I'm bored here in the library without the internet… so I wrote this instead. So did you enjoy? Would you like to suggest some I nevers for your favorite characters in DW? Then go on ahead and write it in your review. Oh, sorry for all you Zhang He fans who are offended, don't take it personally. Its just my job.


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